Paghanga

Ngayon lang ulit ako magsusulat sa wikang Filipino. Nakakahiya, kasi parang pangkalye lang ang Tagalog na alam ko; mas bihasa pa ako sa wikang Ingles. Siguro hindi na ito kagulat-gulat, lalo na sa henerasyon ngayon kung saan ang Ingles ay lalong binibigyan ng importansya dahil nga daw sa globalisasyon. Ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin (bago pa ako lumihis sa nais ko talagang ibahagi sa inyo) ay hindi ko na maaaring ipagpalipas pa ang pagsasanay sa panunulat sa Tagalog. Kasi naman eh. May 'Kasyon diyes ako. Hindi ...cation, kundi ...kasyon. Suma tutal, kinakailangan ko nang hasain ang sarili ko sa pagtaTagalog dahil kung hindi, napakalaki ng posibilidad na bumagsak ako sa kursong nabanggit ko kanina lang.

Pero hindi talaga 'yan ang gusto kong ibahagi! Ang gusto kong ibahagi ay tungkol sa...

Paghanga. Sa Ingles, "crush". (Tandaan, paghanga / crush lang ito, at hindi pa pag-ibig ha.)

Hindi ako madaling mapahanga. Madalas, humahanga ako kapag ang isang lalaki ay may angking talento, talino, o namumukod-tanging katangian. Kaya nga hangang hanga ako sa mga kapatid nating napakahusay tumugtog ng gitara, drums, keyboard, violin, etc. O kaya 'yung may mga angking talento sa pag-awit. O kaya 'yung mga napakatalino. O 'yung may hitsura. At aaminin ko, madalas ay pinakamadali akong napapahanga sa pisikal na aspeto pa lang.

Kaya nga matagal bago ako magkaroon ulit ng crush. Kasi, to quote my friend, "...ang taas taas ng standards..." ko. Eh kasi naman, 'yun ang turo sa'kin. Palagay ko, tama naman 'yun. Siyempre dumating ako sa puntong parang hindi na yata matutupad ang aking mga pamantayan, na parang imposible yatang makahanap ng hahangaan na Kristyano din.

(Sasabihin ko 'to sa Ingles dahil hindi ko alam kung pa'no sabihin sa Tagalog:)
Until now. Dahil humahanga ulit ako! (yay!) Eh sa gwapo siya eh. Matalino pa (sabi nila). Magaling rin tumugtog ng gitara. Mabait. At hindi lang basta-bastang Kristyano.

Pero isang linggo na ang nakalilipas mula nang una ko siyang masilayan. At kahit gaano pa ako kahibang sa kanya, hindi ko naman maaaring isantabi ang mga iba ko pang responsibilidad. Hinding hindi ko rin maaaring itaya ang aking mga paniniwala kahit na isa akong romantikong tao na nangangarap na suyuin balang araw ng lalaking mamahalin ko habambuhay.

Nakakatuwa lang, simula nang makilala ko siya, sari-saring mga tao (mga kaibigan at ka-church) ang biglang naghandog ng mga payo tungkol sa pag-ibig. May isa pa ngang nagkwento kung paano niya ipinanalangin ang lalaking ngayon ay asawa na niya. Ang nakakatuwa, hindi lahat sila ay alam ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. :)

Bakit ko nga isinulat ito? Isinulat ko ito dahil gusto kong ihayag ang aking mga nararamdaman kahit sa huling pagkakataon (sana). Kasabay ng pagbitiw ko ng mga salitang ito ay ang pagbitiw ko ng kahit anong pantasya na balang araw ay magiging kami. Bakit hindi, ang ilan sa inyo ay magtatanong. Posible namang magkatuluyan kami, kung iyon ang ninanais ni Lord, pero kung hindi naman, eh ako lang din naman ang masasaktan 'di ba? Kapag kasi ako nagka-crush, malalim. Kaya nga minsan napagkakamalan ko siyang pag-ibig, kahit hindi naman. Malalim ang aking mga emosyon at lumilipad na sa hinaharap ang aking utak. Oo, baliw. Eh ganun ako magka-crush eh. Hindi lang ako nagkaka-crush for the sake of kilig. Iniisip ko na ang kinabukasan... na kasama siya.

Lilinawin ko lang, hinahangaan ko pa rin siya, at patuloy na hahangaan hanggang -- siguro, hanggang mapuno ng ibang bagay ang utak ko at malimutan siya. Hinangaan ko pa rin siya, pero simula ngayon, ang lahat ay isasangguni ko na kay Lord. Lahat lahat lahat.

Ang ilan sa inyo ay natutuwa matapos itong basahin, ang ilan ay naiinis, ang iba siguro ay nag-aalala. Huwag po kayong mag-alala. Muli, isang paghanga lang po ito. Babae pa rin naman ako, na may 50% more romantic element sa kanyang pagkatao.

Bakit ko kayo ni-tag? Pananagutan. Sa Ingles, accountability. I want accountability. :) Ikakalulugod ko kapag ako ay inyong tinanong sa aspetong ito, kahit na minsan iisipin kong sana ay hindi ninyo ako pakialaman.

Mahal ko kayo. :)

PMA LTI Spice (7 Reasons Why I Loved Today and Yesterday)

If you check my recent FB statuses, you might correctly guess that I am, at this point, at the height of emotion -- joy and a very pleasurable fulfillment. I just arrived home earlier this afternoon from a Leadership Training Institute (LTI) hosted by PMACF, attended by PMA cadets and several civilians. This is despite the fact that I joined them only on the last two days of the LTI.

(Before I go any further... Yes, Orly. I couldn't help myself. See, I blogged about it right today. haha!)

So why this blog / note? Well, I just feel the need to justify myself because of this half-correct notion of why I immensely enjoyed yesterday and today at the LTI. Haha. Because contrary to Jude's, Josh's and everyone's belief, I didn't just enjoy this just because of THAT reason (and I would REALLY appreciate it if we all don't name names :D).

Allow me to share the 5 Reasons Why I Loved Today and Yesterday:
1) I was invited to teach 3 consecutive messages in the Basic Level. It probably won't hurt to tell now, but preparing for those messages was a struggle. I've only taught one message before, and I just felt that these messages - which were, coincidentally, about the Holy Spirit - were way too big for me. I had half a mind to back out of the teaching assignment. Of course, we do not depend on feelings. I'm glad I didn't. My teaching sessions turned out well and my students (hurray Basic!) were sooo responsive and attentive. In retrospect, I don't think I've had this much fun in all my fairly limited NLT Teaching experiences.

2) Because this LTI was PMACF-sponsored, most of the delegates were cadets. Although I really appreciated these cadets (more of this letter), I just loved the fact that Crus from SLU and La Union were here too! Especially the La Union peeps. I am really encouraged by their dedication and desire to be trained. Hurray for you guys.

3) I had planned to stay only until 1730 (ahem! time check), but ended up helping out with the Commitment Night.  Tediously wrapping up those ropes around the trees up the hill to form a rope trail and tripping on twigs and roots on the process wasn't half as fun as the actual Commitment program. You may have guessed already that delegates were to climb up the hill blindfolded, with only the rope to guide them to the top. I was given the all-important job of leading  blindfolded delegates from the end of the rope to their seats surrounding the bonfire, which was prepared on top of the hill.

4) I think we stayed up until 12 midnight last night just talking and laughing with the staff and cadets. Which was a wonder in itself for me, because I honestly initially thought that these cadets always, always dripped of sobriety, seriousness, stiffness and solemnity. Pretty much of a hasty generalization, yes. But I stood corrected last night. Once we finally got them talking, there was almost no end to it, and we learned more of them. For instance, Angie is the first cadet I know who has just about the same personality as ate Coco (yes, the ate Coco). And there were these really cool, great guys who humored us by teaching us about some PMA jargon and culture (did you know cadets were supposed to speak to any of their superiors in English?)

5) This morning, we went out for Witnessing Blitz at a cemetery near the LTI venue. Cadets were paired with civis. Each person was handed five 4SLs (that's 10 per pair) and were given one and a half hour to share them all. And the results were just amazing. The Basic people really rocked it out! -- most of them were able to share all five of them and more. What really amazed me was that the really eager beavers were the cadets. I already had my mind set to the other way around. It was just immensely refreshing to see them so fired up to share the gospel. Some of them even joked about using their authority to share to their underclassmen (you know how upperclassmen are sooo respected).

6) I loved working with all the LTI staff. They were all just great. You really are talented, smart, and wickedly OH SOME people. :D

7) Lastly, I loved today and yesterday because well, this was my first time attending / participating / watching a PMA LTI. And you know how first times are almost always magical.

So you see, my friends, it's not just about THAT. haha. As ate Crista put it, it was but "...a little spice..." I enjoyed everything.

I have absolutely no regrets spending my yesterday and today like this.

Oh, there is one thing I do regret. I regret not coming earlier because I WASN'T ABLE TO WATCH AND HEAR JUDE RAP.

The Final Blow (My LMT Testimony)

It's been three days after the Leaders' Mobilization Training (LMT) and as is the custom, I've been meaning to write a blog detailing my highlights. Yet what and how do I write when everything I have and am still experiencing and feeling are beyond words?

And so when my dear, beautiful discipler asked me for a one-paragraph testimony (for her newsletter.. I'm pretty sure your disciplers would be asking you for something like this too) about the LMT, I thought and thought and thought and scrunched up my eyebrows and came up with this:

"I’ve been thinking of what to do after graduation since the start of this school year. It was a struggle for me trying to decide which pathway to pursue. Thankfully, through circumstances and people I met, God slowly changed my heart and helped me arrive at a decision. He had worked and hammered and chiseled at my heart throughout the semester. The LMT / MIMIC was the final blow – it was there that I finally knew for sure in my heart, soul and mind that my decision to be a Volunteer missionary with Campus Crusade for Christ after graduation is my calling. I am eternally grateful for the LMT; everything about it spoke to me in a special way, from the Devotions, Sessions and Seminars, and the simple talks and fellowship. The LMT was unlike any other retreat or camp I've ever been to; I was especially moved by our speaker, ate Germaine Santos' life testimony and fervency to serve God. I was thoroughly challenged to take a stand for my generation and help fulfill the Great Commission."

God is really, really great, good and amazing.

Flashes

  [Dedicated to the UPB CCC Core 2010]


As most of you may know, I attended a Leadership Mobilization Training. The venue was in Bolinao, Pangasinan, and we had to leave Baguio at around 4:40am. Take note, Typhoon Juan had only barely left the Northern Philippine region, and so during the entire bus ride we experienced drizzles to lashing rain. But before the rain lashes, there were the thunder and lightning.

We were driving with the solid mountain wall on our left side of the road. On our right side of the road is the edge of the cliff -- a sheer, long drop. Without any light, the right side of the road was a big black nothing. But then came the rumbling roar of the thunder -- and then the glorious crack and flash of lightning. And for a split second, a portion of the cliff and mountain side was illuminated. It was a magnificent sight -- every crevice, tree, and rock exposed. And then it was dark again.

For an hour, the lightning flashes came and went, and I excitedly awaited each flash.

I believe that a person, a human being, is a complex creation, full of mystery, and getting to know a person - really getting to know them completely - is a task that requires much patience and, I believe, divine intervention. And over the years I have come to the definite conclusion that truly learning about a person is next to impossible. Only the Creator can truly know each of His creation.

And so when it comes to trying to learn about a person, we are left groping in the dark with only our imaginations and ideas to satisfy ourselves with. But thank the Maker, we are given intermittent flashes of who each person really is. Short flashes they are, but very revealing. You would have had to be paying attention, because if you hadn't, you would have missed your chance. And there is no knowing when the next flash will come.

Last Tuesday, at our Core meeting in Figaro, I felt that God had given me illuminating flashes of each Core member's life. I almost missed them, these glorious flashes. Thankfully, I was nudged to keeping my eyes open to these flashes which gave me glimpses of who each of us really is.

I marveled at everything you shared. I rejoiced at your victories and triumphs. I was in awe of your many spiritual and wise insights. And my heart ached for your struggles.

Indeed, they were but glimpses, but glorious glimpses they were.

I shall keep my eyes open for more of these flashes. In case it still isn't obvious, let me tell you -- I love you guys. I really, really do.

"By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love on another." John 13:35

Storm + No electricity + Evenings = Prayerfulness

First, I thank God that typhoon Juan has passed our area. Juan has indeed left, but not without leaving destruction on many people's livelihoods and jeopardizing a LOT of plans. Here I am still reeling from the news my disciples had given me about not being permitted by their parents to attend the Leaders' Mobilization Training (LMT) because of the bad weather. Sigh. I wanna cry. Seriously. I need a shoulder, anyone?


How such situations like these where I am powerless leave me sooo frustrated... and restless!

Like yesterday, electricity was out, prompting an all-afternoon Dutch Blitz Competition and Championship - participated in by all Lawagan siblings. Of course I won three out of the four consecutive rounds (scored - raise to 100 points) we had. Oh, what fun.

And because there was nothing else to do after dinner, I went to bed at 6:30pm. SIX THIRTY! A record, if I might say so. Electricity -- or the absence of it, does wonders. Add to that complete darkness, and you get something else: Prayerfulness (if such a word exists).

After turning in at six thirty, I was suddenly jolted awake sometime in the middle of the night. I realized, in my half-asleep state, that an unnatural light was shining through my windows. That could only mean one thing. I looked out to confirm it -- yes! Streetlamps were on! Electricity's back! I quickly turned on the lights and walked out my room, turning on every switch on the way down to the comfort room. And so I got back in bed, with the lights all switched off again, reveling at the fact that God answered my prayer (been praying on and off the whole day that the power would return), the streetlamp outside suddenly flickered, and went dead. Hmm. (I honestly think God turned the lights on just so I could conveniently relieve myself in the toilet. lol)


I tried to sleep, but alas! It would not! And just as every Christian does when darkness reigns supreme - literally and figuratively - I prayed.

I prayed for the Little Kibungan villagers who were evacuated to the Puguis area, in an attempt to avoid last year's tragedy.

I prayed especially for Reyjean and Lynx, and all the other delegates who were in danger of not being permitted to attend the LMT.

I prayed that the weather would clear tomorrow (which is today).


I prayed we would arrive safely at Bolinao.

I prayed for a whole lot of things I do not remember now.

I think I spent at least two hours alternately trying to sleep, sitting up and looking out the window, and praying. And when I thought I had finally exhausted all prayer points, I did what anybody with a touch screen MyPhone would do: I played Magic Sushi. All. Night. Long.


Funny, when I met up with staffs this afternoon, they told me they had done the same thing all afternoon and all night long. Praying, that is. Not playing Magic Sushi.

Yesterday, our breakfast hatched.

Yesterday, our breakfast hatched. Literally.

One of the eggs we were supposed to have for breakfast for the next few days hatched. And no, it's not like it wasn't touched or anything already. I mean, how would you bring an egg from its nest to the egg rack without touching it and shaking it up, right? (I read somewhere that eggs have to be left alone if you want them turned into fully fledged chicks)

But there it was, a fledgling of a chick poking its way out of the shell, hanging on for dear life. No, I didn't see it with my own eyes. My sisters did, and now I am beginning to regret that I didn't spare a minute of my oh-so-precious time to witness this miracle.

We were all upstairs, doing our thing, and my mom kept whining about this loud chirping sound she had been hearing for ten minutes or so. She thought that one of our chicks (my dad raises native chickens) had somehow stolen into our house. And like the good, nice daughters that we were, we told her that it was impossible.

And then Bency (sister next to me) finally took it upon her to find the source of the chirping sound that even I had begun to find irritating and disturbing. And then there she saw it -- a chick beating its beak and tiny little feathery wings against the shell, which was in the egg rack, which was placed on top of our refrigerator. (Shame I didn't get a picture of it.)

And now for the moral of this anecdote (which I just really feel this anecdote should contain): if that doesn't display hope, resistance and resilience, I don't know what does. Really, that egg was destined for the frying pan and my stomach for the next day. And then it goes defying death and the odds. How amazing is that? I mean, seriously?! (We've long concluded that the heat from the refrigerator top was what incubated the egg.)

Admittedly, I didn't initially react that way. My first thought when I found that out yesterday was -- "That is plain creepy. Imagine your breakfast suddenly coming alive?"

In retrospect, though, I've come to think of it as cute, amazing, and even containing a bit of majesty and mystery. Really amazing.

Now, if the meat destined to be my lunch moves in the freezer, I would really be creeped out.

Future Talk

She sat there, finishing her meal, while I stirred my hot chocolate. The silence was prevailing... and then suddenly, I thought, why not ask now? So I raised my mug, partly obscuring her view of my face.


"So, should I take the LAE*?" I asked her for the nth time this semester.


"When is it?"


"November 12 is the deadline of submission of forms. Should I take it?"


"Why, sure. Yes."


"But I don't want to. I want to take up another degree. But not law." It's not that I didn't believe I could handle it. I know I could.


"You don't want to be a lawyer? What do you want to take up?" Taking up law is fine, but... I doubt if I would have as much fun as taking up --


"Film. I want to take up Film." There. I said it.


"Film? Why do you want that?"


"Well, I want to be a filmmaker. But not now. I'll take it up after a year. First, I'll be volunteering. And then I'll go to film school."


She was finishing the last of her meal. I looked at her, finding a response. But she just stood up and brought her plate to the kitchen. I restrained myself from asking "Is that okay? Are my plans okay with you?"


I remained seated and sipped my chocolate. I figured she still must be processing this. I smiled to myself, knowing I have a lot to process myself.

SIGH.